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How Folks Who Can't Sing Get People to Like Them By Barbra Streisand I have this employee in my housekeeping department we'll call "J". We'll call her that because most Hispanic people have a name starting with the letter J and I strictly forbid my employees from learning the names of each other because name-knowledge promotes needless chit-chat. It would be hypocritical of me not to abide by the same instructions I demand my staff follow, therefore I have no clue as to J's real name. While perusing security footage one night with my husband, I noticed that everyone really seemed to like J. They smiled at her, waved at her, and often made physical contact using a maneuver civilians call, "a pat on the back," which I'm told expresses admiration, support, or just general kindness. The traditions of you everyday schmoes are simply fascinating! Coincidentally, J passed me in the hallway the other day. While she was careful to observe the two-foot rule, she did not abide by Chapter 25, Paragraph 15 of the, "Streisand Household Handbook for Successful Dealings with Ms. Streisand," which states... Full Story>>> Even for Eddie Van Halen Those Guitar Solos were Way too Long By Michael Anthony People always ask me what I miss about playing bass for one of the greatest rock-n-roll bands of all time. But today I'd like to focus on one of the things I don't miss about being a member of Van Halen; and that is the hour-plus guitar solos our acclaimed lead guitarist used to play each and every concert. Eddie, though you're clearly a brilliant guitarist, you must understand that the reason artists like Joe Satriani haven't achieved equal fame is because simply playing the guitar by yourself for an hour-and-a-half isn't all that appealing to a lot of people - even if you are one of the best in the world and even if you add a drum machine. Mr. Satriani is now guitarist for Chickenfoot, a band of which I am currently a member, as is Sammy Hagar. In other words, Joe finally realized a vocalist is very important when trying to appeal to the masses. Don't get me wrong, fans seemed to really enjoy themselves for the first couple minutes of your guitar solos. Full Story>>> Dad, I'm Sorry I Called the FBI and Told Them I Thought You Were the Unabomber By Charlie Sheen Maybe I shouldn't even bring this up, dad, but I feel it's finally time to come clean. After reading the Unabomber Manifesto in the 90's, I called the FBI and asked them to immediately add your name to their list of suspects. It was nothing personal you understand. The manifest was full of angry words similar to the ones you spewed at the dinner table each and every night. Of course there were a few discrepancies, but I assumed you were trying to throw the authorities off your track. I'm not saying I disagree with your overall disgust with the modern world. Remember, I'm the guy who still believes September 11th was an inside job. I just think there is a much better way to handle the downfall of society than by mailing people explosive devices, and that's why I placed the call into the FBI. Full Story>>> Next Time Give My Stepson the Oscar By Barbra Streisand First off I want to say that Heath Ledger was brilliant as The Joker in The Dark Night . Mr. Ledger deserved to receive the 2008 Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. I'll go as far as saying his performance came very close to equaling my haunting portrayal of Claudia Draper in 1987's Nuts . Secondly I'd like to say, to all you Academy members: The next time my stepson, or anyone else in my family, is up for an Academy Award, you'd damn well better give it to him, her or me. The Streisand-Brolin's don't get all dressed up just to sit through award shows: we get dressed up to be honored at award shows. Most of the time the award show's only purpose is honoring us. But because the Oscar name holds such esteem in Hollywood, we decided to make an exception. And we got burned. No good deed goes unpunished. Full Story>>> If You're Going to Commit Murder/Suicide, Please Write Down Our Fax Number By KXWM General Manager Scott Lafontaine Hey there big shooter! Boy are these tough times in which we're living! Man oh man it seems like nobody can catch a break anymore! Me, I'm currently employed, but have a constant feeling I'm about to be laid off. Every time the station owner calls I start packing up my personal belongings. The wife is going through a similar situation. Plus I got a kid enrolling at Duke this fall. The worst part is he wants to major in Dance. He's always been a squirrelly kid. I'll never forget the time he threw a hissy fit after watching the Little House on the Prairie episode where Mary Ingalls went blind. For the next eight years he'd scream bloody murder every time someone turned off the lights. Full Story>>> It's My Turn to Make Fun of You By Britney Spears Over the past few years I've taken a lot of heat from just about everyone. I've taken heat for my poor parenting skills, showing my private parts while exiting vehicles, hastily marrying a childhood friend in Vegas, marrying a lazy backup dancer with absolutely no aptitude for anything else, having children with that same lazy backup dancer with no aptitude for anything else, spontaneously shaving my head, attacking an SUV with an umbrella, smashing into a parked car and failing to leave a note, etc, etc, etc. I have very little problem with men ridiculing me for the above. First of all, it's what guys do. Second of all, they've all had a crush on me since I was a teenager and need an outlet for their sexual frustration for which I am largely responsible. What bothers me, however, is that I receive relatively little support from you ladies. Full Story>>> If I Ever Win an Oscar, This is What I'll Say By Brad Pitt As most of you know there is a stereotype in Hollywood that says extraordinarily attractive people can't act. I was able to overcome that myth and was nominated for an Academy Award in 1995 for my work in Twelve Monkeys . Sadly the Academy voters could not overcome their prejudices and I was defeated by Kevin Spacey who won for his role in The Usual Suspects . While Kevin did a great job, he and the other best supporting actor nominees prove my point regarding a Hollywood bias. No offense is intended, but James Cromwell, Tim Roth and Ed Harris aren't exactly easy on the eyes. I feel my fans should not suffer for years of outrageous oversight by bigoted individuals, and will therefore announce what I would say should I ever be fortunate enough to win an Oscar. Full Story>>> An Open Letter to My Hispanic Staff By Barbra Streisand If I never got the chance to thank you, Guadalupe #12, I would like to personally express my gratitude for your thoughtful 2007 Christmas gift. You certainly put Guadalupe 1-11 and 13-20 to shame. If I ever decide to learn the name of anyone on my domestic staff, instead of referring to you all as Guadalupe and then the number based upon the order in which you were hired, it will be you Guadalupe #12. However I'd like to nicely remind you that I don't celebrate Christmas because I am Jewish. Not to discourage any of you who might be contemplating getting me a gift this Christmas, but I would like to point out that Holiday presents are usually given to friends and family members by other friends and family members. Full Story>>> Mine Should be the First Email Address Listed when Corresponding with Multiple Recipients By Paris Hilton I've asked you guys a thousand times to BCC me when you send an email to me and everyone else in your electronic address book. Naturally I understand that you want everybody to know you are acquainted with the Paris Hilton and therefore refuse blind copy Yours Truly. Because this is the case, I ask that you at least place my email address first! Am I not the most significant person being sent your correspondence!? I'm sorry if this offends you, Nikki, but if you'd show a little more skin, like I've been trying to convince you, perhaps our importance would be equal. You all have no idea how sick it makes me to see the following atop your email... Full Story>>> I Love Amerika(sp?) By Gwyneth Paltrow A lot of people took offense to statements I made regarding Americans not being as intelligent as the English. But you folks don't understand how much I love my home country! I love everything about it! I love eating sushi at Nobu, drinking a pint at the Irish Times in Century City and shopping for Yves St. Laurent apparel on Melrose Blvd. I won the Oscar, a very American award, in front of my countrymen, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Of course I won for the film Shakespeare in Love , about English playwright William Shakespeare, directed by English director John Madden and co-starring English actor Joseph Fiennes. Oh, but that doesn't mean I only work with Englishmen because I think they are more intelligent than Americans! Full Story>>> I Don't Want to Talk to the Maid By Barbra Streisand The reason I became an Academy Award winning superstar singer/actor/director triple threat is so I could talk to other Academy Award winning living legends. If I wanted to talk to maids, I would have taken up house cleaning. Those of you who don't have a household staff should know that a lot of rich people hire "Major-Domos," to run our homes. Well guess what one of their job duties is? TO TALK TO THE MAID! Full Story>>> If You're A Woman, Gay = Funny By Ellen DeGeneres So you wanna be a stand-up comedian, Sally. I'm not really talking to a lady named Sally; I just made the name up as a metaphor for all females who aspire to be a comedian. I'll do it again: So Pam you want to be a stand-up comic? Again: So Erin you want to be a stand-up comic? Well, Erin could be a boys name tool. Wait, I accidentally spelled out tool instead of too and the spell check didn't catch it. Why would spell check catch it; tool is a word. Full Story>>> Adopting African Babies is Jolly-Good! By Madonna (Traditional English & American English Version Included) Eh up, There's a lot of ruckus across the Pond about me adopting an African lad. Most of the criticism has been brought up by plonkers in the media. There's a Poncy Poison Dwarf at the New York Times who keeps calling the adoption a howler that I'd really like to get my hands on. But while the media ponce around by lacing into me I will give my ankle-biters a wonderful home and surround them with a loving family. Adoption was perfect for me because I'm getting a bit too old to try and get pregnant by having a bit of how's your father with my husband sans a nodder. Plus, I didn't take good care of myself for the past 20-years only to have these threepenny bits ruined by having another kid. Full Story>>> Nearly All Women Who Enter My Home Don't End Up Naked on the Internet By Scott Baio We're all getting a little too sensitive about naked pictures of us winding up on the internet without our consent. People even get angry when they discover a photo of themselves on the internet with their underwear covering their privates. Underwear reveals just as much as a bathing suit, so why all the fuss? I want to make one thing perfectly clear: If you are a female visiting my house, the chances are extremely minute that your picture will wind up on the internet. The chance that a picture exposing your private parts or underwear will wind up on the internet is even smaller. So small, in fact, it's really a waste of time for you to check my bathroom for hidden cameras. Full Story>>> CONTACT

How Folks Who Can't Sing Get People to Like Them By Barbra Streisand

I have this employee in my housekeeping department we'll call "J". We'll call her that because most Hispanic people have a name starting with the letter J and I strictly forbid my employees from learning the names of each other because name-knowledge promotes needless chit-chat. It would be hypocritical of me not to abide by the same instructions I demand my staff follow, therefore I have no clue as to J's real name. While perusing security footage one night with my husband, I noticed that everyone really seemed to like J. They smiled at her, waved at her, and often made physical contact using a maneuver civilians call, "a pat on the back," which I'm told expresses admiration, support, or just general kindness. The traditions of you everyday schmoes are simply fascinating! Coincidentally, J passed me in the hallway the other day. While she was careful to observe the two-foot rule, she did not abide by Chapter 25, Paragraph 15 of the, "Streisand Household Handbook for Successful Dealings with Ms. Streisand," which states... Full Story>>>

Even for Eddie Van Halen Those Guitar Solos were Way too Long By Michael Anthony

People always ask me what I miss about playing bass for one of the greatest rock-n-roll bands of all time. But today I'd like to focus on one of the things I don't miss about being a member of Van Halen; and that is the hour-plus guitar solos our acclaimed lead guitarist used to play each and every concert. Eddie, though you're clearly a brilliant guitarist, you must understand that the reason artists like Joe Satriani haven't achieved equal fame is because simply playing the guitar by yourself for an hour-and-a-half isn't all that appealing to a lot of people - even if you are one of the best in the world and even if you add a drum machine. Mr. Satriani is now guitarist for Chickenfoot, a band of which I am currently a member, as is Sammy Hagar. In other words, Joe finally realized a vocalist is very important when trying to appeal to the masses. Don't get me wrong, fans seemed to really enjoy themselves for the first couple minutes of your guitar solos. Full Story>>>

Dad, I'm Sorry I Called the FBI and Told Them I Thought You Were the Unabomber By Charlie Sheen

Maybe I shouldn't even bring this up, dad, but I feel it's finally time to come clean. After reading the Unabomber Manifesto in the 90's, I called the FBI and asked them to immediately add your name to their list of suspects. It was nothing personal you understand. The manifest was full of angry words similar to the ones you spewed at the dinner table each and every night. Of course there were a few discrepancies, but I assumed you were trying to throw the authorities off your track. I'm not saying I disagree with your overall disgust with the modern world. Remember, I'm the guy who still believes September 11th was an inside job. I just think there is a much better way to handle the downfall of society than by mailing people explosive devices, and that's why I placed the call into the FBI. Full Story>>>

Next Time Give My Stepson the Oscar By Barbra Streisand

First off I want to say that Heath Ledger was brilliant as The Joker in The Dark Night . Mr. Ledger deserved to receive the 2008 Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. I'll go as far as saying his performance came very close to equaling my haunting portrayal of Claudia Draper in 1987's Nuts . Secondly I'd like to say, to all you Academy members: The next time my stepson, or anyone else in my family, is up for an Academy Award, you'd damn well better give it to him, her or me. The Streisand-Brolin's don't get all dressed up just to sit through award shows: we get dressed up to be honored at award shows. Most of the time the award show's only purpose is honoring us. But because the Oscar name holds such esteem in Hollywood, we decided to make an exception. And we got burned. No good deed goes unpunished. Full Story>>>

If You're Going to Commit Murder/Suicide, Please Write Down Our Fax Number By KXWM General Manager Scott Lafontaine

Hey there big shooter! Boy are these tough times in which we're living! Man oh man it seems like nobody can catch a break anymore! Me, I'm currently employed, but have a constant feeling I'm about to be laid off. Every time the station owner calls I start packing up my personal belongings. The wife is going through a similar situation. Plus I got a kid enrolling at Duke this fall. The worst part is he wants to major in Dance. He's always been a squirrelly kid. I'll never forget the time he threw a hissy fit after watching the Little House on the Prairie episode where Mary Ingalls went blind. For the next eight years he'd scream bloody murder every time someone turned off the lights. Full Story>>>

It's My Turn to Make Fun of You By Britney Spears

Over the past few years I've taken a lot of heat from just about everyone. I've taken heat for my poor parenting skills, showing my private parts while exiting vehicles, hastily marrying a childhood friend in Vegas, marrying a lazy backup dancer with absolutely no aptitude for anything else, having children with that same lazy backup dancer with no aptitude for anything else, spontaneously shaving my head, attacking an SUV with an umbrella, smashing into a parked car and failing to leave a note, etc, etc, etc. I have very little problem with men ridiculing me for the above. First of all, it's what guys do. Second of all, they've all had a crush on me since I was a teenager and need an outlet for their sexual frustration for which I am largely responsible. What bothers me, however, is that I receive relatively little support from you ladies. Full Story>>>

If I Ever Win an Oscar, This is What I'll Say By Brad Pitt

As most of you know there is a stereotype in Hollywood that says extraordinarily attractive people can't act. I was able to overcome that myth and was nominated for an Academy Award in 1995 for my work in Twelve Monkeys . Sadly the Academy voters could not overcome their prejudices and I was defeated by Kevin Spacey who won for his role in The Usual Suspects . While Kevin did a great job, he and the other best supporting actor nominees prove my point regarding a Hollywood bias. No offense is intended, but James Cromwell, Tim Roth and Ed Harris aren't exactly easy on the eyes. I feel my fans should not suffer for years of outrageous oversight by bigoted individuals, and will therefore announce what I would say should I ever be fortunate enough to win an Oscar. Full Story>>>

An Open Letter to My Hispanic Staff By Barbra Streisand

If I never got the chance to thank you, Guadalupe #12, I would like to personally express my gratitude for your thoughtful 2007 Christmas gift. You certainly put Guadalupe 1-11 and 13-20 to shame. If I ever decide to learn the name of anyone on my domestic staff, instead of referring to you all as Guadalupe and then the number based upon the order in which you were hired, it will be you Guadalupe #12. However I'd like to nicely remind you that I don't celebrate Christmas because I am Jewish. Not to discourage any of you who might be contemplating getting me a gift this Christmas, but I would like to point out that Holiday presents are usually given to friends and family members by other friends and family members. Full Story>>>

Mine Should be the First Email Address Listed when Corresponding with Multiple Recipients By Paris Hilton

I've asked you guys a thousand times to BCC me when you send an email to me and everyone else in your electronic address book. Naturally I understand that you want everybody to know you are acquainted with the Paris Hilton and therefore refuse blind copy Yours Truly. Because this is the case, I ask that you at least place my email address first! Am I not the most significant person being sent your correspondence!? I'm sorry if this offends you, Nikki, but if you'd show a little more skin, like I've been trying to convince you, perhaps our importance would be equal. You all have no idea how sick it makes me to see the following atop your email... Full Story>>>

I Love Amerika(sp?) By Gwyneth Paltrow

A lot of people took offense to statements I made regarding Americans not being as intelligent as the English. But you folks don't understand how much I love my home country! I love everything about it! I love eating sushi at Nobu, drinking a pint at the Irish Times in Century City and shopping for Yves St. Laurent apparel on Melrose Blvd. I won the Oscar, a very American award, in front of my countrymen, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Of course I won for the film Shakespeare in Love , about English playwright William Shakespeare, directed by English director John Madden and co-starring English actor Joseph Fiennes. Oh, but that doesn't mean I only work with Englishmen because I think they are more intelligent than Americans! Full Story>>>

I Don't Want to Talk to the Maid By Barbra Streisand

The reason I became an Academy Award winning superstar singer/actor/director triple threat is so I could talk to other Academy Award winning living legends. If I wanted to talk to maids, I would have taken up house cleaning. Those of you who don't have a household staff should know that a lot of rich people hire "Major-Domos," to run our homes. Well guess what one of their job duties is? TO TALK TO THE MAID! Full Story>>>

If You're A Woman, Gay = Funny By Ellen DeGeneres

So you wanna be a stand-up comedian, Sally. I'm not really talking to a lady named Sally; I just made the name up as a metaphor for all females who aspire to be a comedian. I'll do it again: So Pam you want to be a stand-up comic? Again: So Erin you want to be a stand-up comic? Well, Erin could be a boys name tool. Wait, I accidentally spelled out tool instead of too and the spell check didn't catch it. Why would spell check catch it; tool is a word. Full Story>>>

Adopting African Babies is Jolly-Good! By Madonna (Traditional English & American English Version Included)

Eh up, There's a lot of ruckus across the Pond about me adopting an African lad. Most of the criticism has been brought up by plonkers in the media. There's a Poncy Poison Dwarf at the New York Times who keeps calling the adoption a howler that I'd really like to get my hands on. But while the media ponce around by lacing into me I will give my ankle-biters a wonderful home and surround them with a loving family. Adoption was perfect for me because I'm getting a bit too old to try and get pregnant by having a bit of how's your father with my husband sans a nodder. Plus, I didn't take good care of myself for the past 20-years only to have these threepenny bits ruined by having another kid. Full Story>>>

Nearly All Women Who Enter My Home Don't End Up Naked on the Internet By Scott Baio

We're all getting a little too sensitive about naked pictures of us winding up on the internet without our consent. People even get angry when they discover a photo of themselves on the internet with their underwear covering their privates. Underwear reveals just as much as a bathing suit, so why all the fuss? I want to make one thing perfectly clear: If you are a female visiting my house, the chances are extremely minute that your picture will wind up on the internet. The chance that a picture exposing your private parts or underwear will wind up on the internet is even smaller. So small, in fact, it's really a waste of time for you to check my bathroom for hidden cameras. Full Story>>>

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