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White House Hoping Beck Ends Fox Run Before Discovering Biggest Secret Washington - Though White House staffers are far from finished celebrating the glorious announcement that Glenn Beck will cease production of his Fox News program before the current year ends, trepidation remains. Many lose sleep worrying the boisterous blob of controversy has ample days remaining to figure out the giant secret everyone at the White House was certain he'd have discovered by fall 2010 at the latest, Underneath Politics has learned. "After Beck got rid of Van Jones we knew he had power," a White House aide said on the condition of anonymity. "Therefore we thanked various gods our secret plan was so outlandish no one would believe it. After all, it was only a matter of time before Beck solved the puzzle, or so we thought." Many in the Obama Administration are strangely frustrated by Mr. Beck's inability to figure out the secret so huge it would make proof Mr. Obama was born in Kenya unworthy of broadcast. "It's like when you're about to lose a game of Trivial Pursuit," the Obama aide said. "While irately eyeing your opponent as he or she mentally walks toward the answer, you get an inexplicable urge to shout out 'The New Bohemians!' for the express purpose of ending the drama." The White House will continue attempting to discredit Beck in hopes ordinary citizens take his every word with a grain of salt. "I'm not sure how much of today's Glenn Beck Program we'll fabricate he fabricated, but a safe guess is over 50%," the aide said while jerking his raised thumb skyward indicating the actual percentage was higher than he was willing to verbally admit. Save Husband's Job, Obama's Excel in DC Washington - Their schedule is filled with wonderful vacation destinations, the matriarch is happily nagging the entire nation with great regularity, and the daughters are thriving at a prestigious DC school. If not for the patriarch's struggles with his temporary job, it's safe to say the Obama's would be batting a thousand, Underneath Politics has learned. "What a time they are having," enthusiastically shouted Democrat strategist Jennifer Freemont-Tobolowsky. "Sure, Mr. Obama has thus far failed to live up to astronomical expectations, but have you seen the First Lady's garden!" Ms. Freemont-Tobolowsky says President Obama will soon return to his comfort zone. "Once he's back on the campaign trail, people will be so in awe of his ability to verbally outduel his Republican rival they'll completely forget about how he struggles to utter even a single word while in the Oval Office being told by key members of the military, 'Mr. President, we need a decision.' We all have strengths and weaknesses - even the President. Of course the typical Republican spin machine is attempting to convince the nation that the ability to make Americans feel safer is somehow less praiseworthy than actually making us safer." Until Mr. Obama begins campaigning for a second term, his family will support him every way possible. "While the President is thrilled to see his offspring excel in school, they courteously don't completely cover the White House refrigerator door with perfect papers for fear it would remind their father that polling data indicates not everyone is equally satisfied with his work," Ms. Freemont-Tobolowsky said. Congresswoman Bachmann Dangles Participle Nashua, NH - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota disgraced her district and the entire Tea Party movement today by dangling a participle during the seventy-seventh sentence of a speech to a group of students and conservative activists, Underneath Politics has learned. "After being elected to bring prosperity, we the people still wait for Barack Obama to lead," Ms. Bachmann said to stunned onlookers. "It's troubling that a potential presidential candidate can't speak a few hundred sentences without making such an egregious grammatical error," said University of New Hampshire Professor of English Dr. Jane O'Day-O'Malley. "I would advise all parents to think twice before allowing their children to witness Ms. Bachmann speak for fear participle dangling will become a nasty habit in their own lives. At the very least, make certain her words are suitable and take the time to edit out any grammatically inaccurate sentences." Democrats across the country questioned Winona State University, Oral Roberts University and the College of William & Mary Law School for their decision to bestow upon Ms. Bachmann degrees. "With the exception of Oral Roberts, a school that likely issues grades largely based on how many Christian themes students can insert into their writings, I don't understand how institutions of higher learning can give someone a degree who likely turned in at least one paper that contained so many unnecessary commas the professor dubbed it, 'comma-con.'" quipped Democrat pundit Ashley Cordero. New White House Spokesperson Answers Every Question with a Question Washington - New White House spokesperson Jay Carney began his press-briefing tenure by answering every reporter-posed question with a question, Underneath Politics has learned. "What is President Obama's take on the volatile situation in Wisconsin," an AP reporter asked Mr. Carney. "Do you know what Governor Walker is proposing in his draconian bill," Mr. Carney replied as if he was giving a definitive answer. "Are you saying Mr. Obama supports the protesters," the AP reporter followed up. "Has the President ever gotten involved in state issues, or does he leave local matters up to local legislatures," Mr. Carney responded before taking a question from Jake Tapper of ABC News. "Is Mr. Obama fearful protests will break out in other states," Mr. Tapper asked. "Do other states have budgetary issues, or is Wisconsin unique in terms of their massive debt," Mr. Carney responded by asking. "Why are you answering every question with a question," Mr. Tapper barked inquisitively. "Am I here to do your job, or mine?" After the briefing, reporters could be heard asking each other, "What's wrong with this guy?" Eavesdropping, Mr. Carney replied, "Have you ever felt like that fat prisoner from The Shawshank Redemption ; the one who gets beaten to death because he won't stop shouting 'I don't belong here!'?" Michelle Obama Assumes Every Jogger Honoring Her with Each Step Washington - Every time First Lady Michelle Obama sees an American citizen jogging through the streets of Washington, she adamantly believes the man or woman earlier laced up their running shoes for the express purpose of pleasing her, Underneath Politics has learned. "It's quite a thrill seeing minions of Barack sweating profusely in my honor," Mrs. Obama said while promoting her "Let's Move!" campaign. Mrs. Obama added that citizens shouldn't simply sit on the edge of their bed after a post-jog shower, which she suggests everyone take after a lengthy cool down. "Don't wait around for me to tell you how to spend the rest of your day. I suggest everyone balance actions we advise you to perform with actions you independently deem necessary to survive and prosper." Mrs. Obama does however suggest you check in often. "You never know if I'll wake up in the middle of the night, remove my slumber mask and decide it's beneficial for you to get at least eight hours of sleep per day. If that happens, I'll quickly instruct the Whitehouse.gov webmaster to display a countdown clock letting you know when it's time to hit the hay depending upon your time zone. Unless you visit the site on a regular basis you may go days without sleeping as much as I declare necessary in conjunction with my 'You Seem Really Tired!' campaign." Nancy Pelosi Claims Layoffs Boost Economy Washington - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted today that a high unemployment rate greatly benefits the overall economy, Underneath Politics has learned. "Rarely does anyone consider the profits that layoffs generate for businesses across America," Ms. Pelosi said from her Capitol Hill office. "After receiving his pink slip, a typical 'man of the house' drives around for several hours formulating the words he'll use to inform his lovely wife that he's now amongst the unemployed. This means the need to refill his tank will arrive quicker than usual which benefits the oil company as well as the gas station owner. And you can't break such distressing news to children without a visit to the ice cream parlor which helps the store owner, the clerk responsible for scooping the ice cream, the cone maker, as well as the cup and spoon manufacturers. The candy company that sent the toppings will also see a boost in their bottom line. The Kimberly-Clark Corporation will see an increase in profit because the family will go through an entire box of Kleenex brand tissues while crunching numbers in an attempt to figure out how many weeks it'll be before they're in the poor house. Picturing the looks of utter disgust they'll almost assuredly receive from strangers while standing in line waiting for a big fat unemployment check will also make their eyes resemble Niagara Falls. In addition, a generic brand tissue maker will benefit because that's all the family will be able to afford going forward." As a way to boost the economy, Ms. Pelosi said the government plans to assist companies lay off workers. "We'll use taxpayer dollars to aid corporations that agree to fire people, and then immediately hire new ones to replace them, because hiring also facilitates economic growth. After all, once the good news is received, most people take their immediate family out for a celebratory chicken dinner, call their parents across the country and then purchase dress shirts lacking stains and holes." Obama Admits Abundance of Overwork-Related Suicides a Nice Problem to Have Washington - After a lengthy discussion with Chinese President Hu Jintao, U.S. President Barack Obama admitted that, while not ideal, the thought of American citizens working so many grueling hours that several per day couldn't resist the temptation to jump out the window might be a pleasant alternative to the high unemployment rate which has plagued his administration, Underneath Politics has learned. It's common knowledge that Chinese workers often leap off buildings to escape a life of low wages, prison-like living conditions and twelve hour days. "I don't want to make driving through downtown in a convertible a hazardous proposition," Mr. Obama quipped. "But after hearing many loyal supporters tell me, 'I can't afford a hot meal because there's no work, Mr. President,' it'd be nice to hear someone say, 'I can't take another second in that factory. Seriously, there's an 88% chance whatever's on the other side is much better than my current existence, Mr. President.' And an overwork-related suicide increase would show the American people that my policies are finally paying off. In other words, 'A few giant leaps from mankind, one giant leap in the polls for this man,'" Mr. Obama joked, pointing to himself. Worrying He Forgot Her Birthday, Former President Bush Wikipedias Wife Washington - Worried he was no longer in her good graces, former President George W. Bush checked out his wife's profile on the popular internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia.org, to make sure he hadn't missed her birthday, Underneath Politics has learned. "I was certainly in panic mode," President Bush said today from his upscale Dallas home. "For some reason I thought (her birthday) was last Tuesday, but Wikipedia informed me it was November 4th. I suppose, with the upcoming release of my book, as well as the Texas Rangers having just lost the World Series, I was distracted at the time because I don't recall eating cake or having the twins over for even a casual dinner." While viewing his wife's full profile, President Bush also learned that she went to Southern Methodist University, was baptized in the same church in which they were married, and was influential in his decision to stop drinking alcohol. Mr. Bush promises to check back often for updates. "Wikipedia is a godsend. The site not only reminds me of the exact date on which I married Laura, but also the type of gift tradition dictates I bestow upon her every year on which that specific date rolls around. And the next time Jenna brings that husband of hers over, I can run to my office, look her up on Wikipedia and be confident I'm spending the entire afternoon calling him by the correct first name, because, as much as I love nicknames, people find it creepy when I call him, 'Altar Boy', you know, because he exchanged vows with my daughter at the altar." 85% of Tucson Video Arcade Controlled by Al-Qaeda Iraqi Soccer Player's Stats Plummet without Fear of Torture to Drive Him Uday and Qusay Hussein Memorial Fun Run Cancelled Due to Lack of Interest CONTACT

White House Hoping Beck Ends Fox Run Before Discovering Biggest Secret

Washington - Though White House staffers are far from finished celebrating the glorious announcement that Glenn Beck will cease production of his Fox News program before the current year ends, trepidation remains. Many lose sleep worrying the boisterous blob of controversy has ample days remaining to figure out the giant secret everyone at the White House was certain he'd have discovered by fall 2010 at the latest, Underneath Politics has learned. "After Beck got rid of Van Jones we knew he had power," a White House aide said on the condition of anonymity. "Therefore we thanked various gods our secret plan was so outlandish no one would believe it. After all, it was only a matter of time before Beck solved the puzzle, or so we thought." Many in the Obama Administration are strangely frustrated by Mr. Beck's inability to figure out the secret so huge it would make proof Mr. Obama was born in Kenya unworthy of broadcast. "It's like when you're about to lose a game of Trivial Pursuit," the Obama aide said. "While irately eyeing your opponent as he or she mentally walks toward the answer, you get an inexplicable urge to shout out 'The New Bohemians!' for the express purpose of ending the drama." The White House will continue attempting to discredit Beck in hopes ordinary citizens take his every word with a grain of salt. "I'm not sure how much of today's Glenn Beck Program we'll fabricate he fabricated, but a safe guess is over 50%," the aide said while jerking his raised thumb skyward indicating the actual percentage was higher than he was willing to verbally admit.

Save Husband's Job, Obama's Excel in DC

Washington - Their schedule is filled with wonderful vacation destinations, the matriarch is happily nagging the entire nation with great regularity, and the daughters are thriving at a prestigious DC school. If not for the patriarch's struggles with his temporary job, it's safe to say the Obama's would be batting a thousand, Underneath Politics has learned. "What a time they are having," enthusiastically shouted Democrat strategist Jennifer Freemont-Tobolowsky. "Sure, Mr. Obama has thus far failed to live up to astronomical expectations, but have you seen the First Lady's garden!" Ms. Freemont-Tobolowsky says President Obama will soon return to his comfort zone. "Once he's back on the campaign trail, people will be so in awe of his ability to verbally outduel his Republican rival they'll completely forget about how he struggles to utter even a single word while in the Oval Office being told by key members of the military, 'Mr. President, we need a decision.' We all have strengths and weaknesses - even the President. Of course the typical Republican spin machine is attempting to convince the nation that the ability to make Americans feel safer is somehow less praiseworthy than actually making us safer." Until Mr. Obama begins campaigning for a second term, his family will support him every way possible. "While the President is thrilled to see his offspring excel in school, they courteously don't completely cover the White House refrigerator door with perfect papers for fear it would remind their father that polling data indicates not everyone is equally satisfied with his work," Ms. Freemont-Tobolowsky said.

Congresswoman Bachmann Dangles Participle

Nashua, NH - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota disgraced her district and the entire Tea Party movement today by dangling a participle during the seventy-seventh sentence of a speech to a group of students and conservative activists, Underneath Politics has learned. "After being elected to bring prosperity, we the people still wait for Barack Obama to lead," Ms. Bachmann said to stunned onlookers. "It's troubling that a potential presidential candidate can't speak a few hundred sentences without making such an egregious grammatical error," said University of New Hampshire Professor of English Dr. Jane O'Day-O'Malley. "I would advise all parents to think twice before allowing their children to witness Ms. Bachmann speak for fear participle dangling will become a nasty habit in their own lives. At the very least, make certain her words are suitable and take the time to edit out any grammatically inaccurate sentences." Democrats across the country questioned Winona State University, Oral Roberts University and the College of William & Mary Law School for their decision to bestow upon Ms. Bachmann degrees. "With the exception of Oral Roberts, a school that likely issues grades largely based on how many Christian themes students can insert into their writings, I don't understand how institutions of higher learning can give someone a degree who likely turned in at least one paper that contained so many unnecessary commas the professor dubbed it, 'comma-con.'" quipped Democrat pundit Ashley Cordero.

New White House Spokesperson Answers Every Question with a Question

Washington - New White House spokesperson Jay Carney began his press-briefing tenure by answering every reporter-posed question with a question, Underneath Politics has learned. "What is President Obama's take on the volatile situation in Wisconsin," an AP reporter asked Mr. Carney. "Do you know what Governor Walker is proposing in his draconian bill," Mr. Carney replied as if he was giving a definitive answer. "Are you saying Mr. Obama supports the protesters," the AP reporter followed up. "Has the President ever gotten involved in state issues, or does he leave local matters up to local legislatures," Mr. Carney responded before taking a question from Jake Tapper of ABC News. "Is Mr. Obama fearful protests will break out in other states," Mr. Tapper asked. "Do other states have budgetary issues, or is Wisconsin unique in terms of their massive debt," Mr. Carney responded by asking. "Why are you answering every question with a question," Mr. Tapper barked inquisitively. "Am I here to do your job, or mine?" After the briefing, reporters could be heard asking each other, "What's wrong with this guy?" Eavesdropping, Mr. Carney replied, "Have you ever felt like that fat prisoner from The Shawshank Redemption ; the one who gets beaten to death because he won't stop shouting 'I don't belong here!'?"

Michelle Obama Assumes Every Jogger Honoring Her with Each Step

Washington - Every time First Lady Michelle Obama sees an American citizen jogging through the streets of Washington, she adamantly believes the man or woman earlier laced up their running shoes for the express purpose of pleasing her, Underneath Politics has learned. "It's quite a thrill seeing minions of Barack sweating profusely in my honor," Mrs. Obama said while promoting her "Let's Move!" campaign. Mrs. Obama added that citizens shouldn't simply sit on the edge of their bed after a post-jog shower, which she suggests everyone take after a lengthy cool down. "Don't wait around for me to tell you how to spend the rest of your day. I suggest everyone balance actions we advise you to perform with actions you independently deem necessary to survive and prosper." Mrs. Obama does however suggest you check in often. "You never know if I'll wake up in the middle of the night, remove my slumber mask and decide it's beneficial for you to get at least eight hours of sleep per day. If that happens, I'll quickly instruct the Whitehouse.gov webmaster to display a countdown clock letting you know when it's time to hit the hay depending upon your time zone. Unless you visit the site on a regular basis you may go days without sleeping as much as I declare necessary in conjunction with my 'You Seem Really Tired!' campaign."

Nancy Pelosi Claims Layoffs Boost Economy

Washington - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted today that a high unemployment rate greatly benefits the overall economy, Underneath Politics has learned. "Rarely does anyone consider the profits that layoffs generate for businesses across America," Ms. Pelosi said from her Capitol Hill office. "After receiving his pink slip, a typical 'man of the house' drives around for several hours formulating the words he'll use to inform his lovely wife that he's now amongst the unemployed. This means the need to refill his tank will arrive quicker than usual which benefits the oil company as well as the gas station owner. And you can't break such distressing news to children without a visit to the ice cream parlor which helps the store owner, the clerk responsible for scooping the ice cream, the cone maker, as well as the cup and spoon manufacturers. The candy company that sent the toppings will also see a boost in their bottom line. The Kimberly-Clark Corporation will see an increase in profit because the family will go through an entire box of Kleenex brand tissues while crunching numbers in an attempt to figure out how many weeks it'll be before they're in the poor house. Picturing the looks of utter disgust they'll almost assuredly receive from strangers while standing in line waiting for a big fat unemployment check will also make their eyes resemble Niagara Falls. In addition, a generic brand tissue maker will benefit because that's all the family will be able to afford going forward." As a way to boost the economy, Ms. Pelosi said the government plans to assist companies lay off workers. "We'll use taxpayer dollars to aid corporations that agree to fire people, and then immediately hire new ones to replace them, because hiring also facilitates economic growth. After all, once the good news is received, most people take their immediate family out for a celebratory chicken dinner, call their parents across the country and then purchase dress shirts lacking stains and holes."

Obama Admits Abundance of Overwork-Related Suicides a Nice Problem to Have

Washington - After a lengthy discussion with Chinese President Hu Jintao, U.S. President Barack Obama admitted that, while not ideal, the thought of American citizens working so many grueling hours that several per day couldn't resist the temptation to jump out the window might be a pleasant alternative to the high unemployment rate which has plagued his administration, Underneath Politics has learned. It's common knowledge that Chinese workers often leap off buildings to escape a life of low wages, prison-like living conditions and twelve hour days. "I don't want to make driving through downtown in a convertible a hazardous proposition," Mr. Obama quipped. "But after hearing many loyal supporters tell me, 'I can't afford a hot meal because there's no work, Mr. President,' it'd be nice to hear someone say, 'I can't take another second in that factory. Seriously, there's an 88% chance whatever's on the other side is much better than my current existence, Mr. President.' And an overwork-related suicide increase would show the American people that my policies are finally paying off. In other words, 'A few giant leaps from mankind, one giant leap in the polls for this man,'" Mr. Obama joked, pointing to himself.

Worrying He Forgot Her Birthday, Former President Bush Wikipedias Wife

Washington - Worried he was no longer in her good graces, former President George W. Bush checked out his wife's profile on the popular internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia.org, to make sure he hadn't missed her birthday, Underneath Politics has learned. "I was certainly in panic mode," President Bush said today from his upscale Dallas home. "For some reason I thought (her birthday) was last Tuesday, but Wikipedia informed me it was November 4th. I suppose, with the upcoming release of my book, as well as the Texas Rangers having just lost the World Series, I was distracted at the time because I don't recall eating cake or having the twins over for even a casual dinner." While viewing his wife's full profile, President Bush also learned that she went to Southern Methodist University, was baptized in the same church in which they were married, and was influential in his decision to stop drinking alcohol. Mr. Bush promises to check back often for updates. "Wikipedia is a godsend. The site not only reminds me of the exact date on which I married Laura, but also the type of gift tradition dictates I bestow upon her every year on which that specific date rolls around. And the next time Jenna brings that husband of hers over, I can run to my office, look her up on Wikipedia and be confident I'm spending the entire afternoon calling him by the correct first name, because, as much as I love nicknames, people find it creepy when I call him, 'Altar Boy', you know, because he exchanged vows with my daughter at the altar."

85% of Tucson Video Arcade Controlled by Al-Qaeda

Iraqi Soccer Player's Stats Plummet without Fear of Torture to Drive Him

Uday and Qusay Hussein Memorial Fun Run Cancelled Due to Lack of Interest

CONTACT