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Slugger Rounds Bases Trying to Think of Best Adjective to Describe Home Run St. Petersburg, FL - After hitting a top of the second inning home run against the American League East leading Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz rounded the bases attempting to think of the one word that best described his ninth round-tripper of the year, Underneath Sports has learned. "Crafty" was the first word that came to mind after thinking exactly how close the ball came to crossing the wrong side of the foul pole. "No, it was more 'mysterious' than 'crafty' because, as it travelled through the air, no one could tell if it was fair or foul." The Dominican born slugger then wondered if there was an English word meaning, "something that spends most of its existence without revealing its true identity." "Incognito," he initially thought before deciding the ball's trajectory made the conclusion of its flight more "unknown" than "in disguise." He briefly considered, "enigma," but then realized it was a word more used to describe something difficult to comprehend. As he rounded third and slapped hands with base coach Tim Bogar, "Big Papi" finally decided the one word that best described his most recent home run was, "atypical". Dennis Miller's Major League Baseball Power Rankings 1. Tampa Bay Rays - It's a shame that such a great team is forced to play in front of unappreciative fans in a run down stadium. Reminds me of the time I had my own show on CNBC. 2. New York Yankees - Alex Rodriguez continues his role of pathetical weasel on an otherwise great team - making A-Rod to the Yankees what Scott McClellan was to the Bush Administration. 3. Minnesota Twins - The Twins have been playing so well over the past few years that baseball will soon replace hockey as the official state sport - just as washed up lunatic entertainers have replaced normal people as elected officials representing the Land of 10,000 Lakes. 4. San Diego Padres - Prior to the Padres unexpected success in 2010; San Diego hasn't produced a squad with their head so adroitly on a swivel since the Channel 4 News Team fought off competing stations after heeding poor directional advice from weatherman Brick Tamland. 5. St. Louis Cardinals - The Cardinals have thrived with admitted steroid user Mark McGwire as their hitting coach. He may provoke scorn throughout most of America, but Big Mac is to St. Louis as Vytautas the Great was to Medieval Lithuania. Wife of First Baseman Asks Husband what He and Base Runners Talk About New York - Never having crossed her mind while watching her all-star husband play hundreds of baseball games, wife of Yankee first baseman Mark Teixeira suddenly had a burning desire to know the typical conversation he had with runners who arrived at the base to which he is assigned, Underneath Sports has learned. "Do you talk to everyone who stops on first and what do you talk about," Mrs. Teixeira asked her husband as soon as he walked through the front door after a win. Before he could answer, she rattled off every related question she had formulated while earlier watching the game on television. "Who initiates the conversation? And what if you don't know the guy very well? Do you actually say, 'nice to meet you,' if he's making his big league debut? Do you congratulate him on the hit if you're particularly impressed? Is there trash talk in baseball? Have you ever felt threatened and would you use your spikes as a weapon if it were in self-defense? Tell me something a base runner said that was so poetic it knocked your socks off? If they don't speak English, do you say 'hola' to make them feel welcome? Does the first base coach ever butt into your conversation even though you've made a conscious effort to exclude him? Is there a guy that's so funny you're desperately praying he gets a hit? Have you ever been paranoid that the only reason a guy tried to steal second was because he got tired of talking to you? When you're playing at Yankee Stadium do you feel pressure to 'entertain' the runner?" Mr. Teixeira promised to answer every question proposed by his wife after a quick bite to eat. David Stern to Let Staffers Decide NBA Champion in Lieu of Birthday Parties New York - Due to the lagging economy, NBA Commissioner David Stern has put an end to lavish company-sponsored birthday celebrations once thrown for all employees. To make up for abolishing the popular perk, Mr. Stern today secretly announced that he will allow employees of the association to decide which squad will take home the championship trophy at the conclusion of the 2010 playoffs, Underneath Sports has learned. "It's difficult removing long-established office precedents," Mr. Stern admitted. "Therefore I had to create a reward that would restore their commitment to the NBA, yet not drain league resources." Mr. Stern added that, after 20-plus years of singlehandedly deciding the champion, it was time to pass the torch. "I've had a great run. Some years I picked the winner by throwing darts at a newspaper, some years I picked the winner out of spite, and some years I picked the winner based on the number of television viewers contained within the city limits of all playoff contenders. Whatever the method, I gave it my all each and every season." NBA staffers were thrilled at the prospect of choosing the best team in the NBA. "It's so much pressure - but the good kind of pressure," said Stern executive assistant Dawn Vitters. "Do I vote for the Lakers because I think the girl Kobe Bryant was accused of assaulting most likely asked for it, or do I vote for the Celtics because my scummy ex-boyfriend is a humungous Cavaliers fan and would be absolutely devastated if they didn't even make the Finals in what could possibly be the last year of the Lebron James era in C-Town." Olympic Champion Not Particularly Looking Forward to Remainder of Life Duluth, MN - Because Olympic gold medal winning skier Michael Weber has experienced the highest of highs on a stage visible to the entire world, he's not the least bit excited about living out the remainder of what will almost assuredly be dreadfully mundane days on a stage visible to his family, friends and strangers who are ignorant of his grand accomplishments, Underneath Sports has learned. "I've done everything I can in relations to skiing and I'm only 25," Mr. Weber said. "What's next - getting a desk job? Even if I wanted to work for a business I wouldn't know how to contribute because I've devoted so much time to skiing. I suppose I could teach rich kids how to ski down the bunny slope. Doesn't that sound like fun? It'd be like Alex Rodriguez making sure a bunch of Rockefeller brats knew the proper direction in which to run once they hit the baseball and then calling it a day." Mr. Weber says only a few Olympians can parlay their legend into a post-Olympic career. "For every Michael Phelps there are a thousand guys like me," he said. "Years later, you'll still see clips of Mr. Phelps' record setting races on television while my own family is already making faces whenever the subject of re-watching my gold medal winning performance is mentioned. It's already off Grandma's DVR despite the fact that she had no need for the extra space." Sports: End of Basketball Game Marred by Lack of Timeouts Katy, TX - A Southland Conference Tournament semifinal basketball game between Stephen F. Austin State University and Texas A&M University - Corpus Christi was tainted due to both teams refusal to call timeouts during crucial periods down the stretch, Underneath Sports has learned. "Just when the game got good, they would keep playing," said SFA fan Stephen Izzo. "Witnessing nonstop action got old real quick and I just couldn't wait to catch my breath. Hopefully the next game I attend will provide many more two-minute breaks at which point I'll have the chance to peruse the cover of my official game program, pat the seat of my pants to make sure my pocket hasn't been picked, inform the guy next to me, 'it doesn't get any better than this,' check to make sure I'm in the correct seat for the fiftieth time, contemplate whether or not I want to spend the rest of the game standing, sitting, or a combination of the two, glance at the cheerleaders to see if one of them happens to be expressing an interest in my scene, and prepare an exit strategy for the conclusion of the game." Mr. Izzo's friend, home watching the game on the internet, didn't fare any better. "I called him on my way home," Mr. Izzo said. "Though he was eager to complete both tasks, during the last few minutes of the game he didn't once have a window of opportunity to make sure his keys were safely in the key-drawer or check to see if that Applebee's coupon he received in the mail last month had expired." Both coaches refused comment after the game. Pete Rose Refuses to Stop Admitting He Bet on Baseball Cincinnati - For years Pete Rose adamantly denied that he ever wagered on baseball games involving the same Major League team for which he managed and played. That was then, Underneath Sports has learned. "I would like to take this opportunity to admit with deep regret that I did bet on games in which I was directly involved," he recently informed a family of four sitting in an adjacent booth at a popular Cincinnati eatery. "Yeah, we know," the patriarch responded as his daughter latched her hand onto his knee in fear. Using his own voice to provide an echo in order to give the illusion he was speaking in front of a large group, Mr. Rose continued, "I suppose you are clamoring to hear this sad tale of greed, power, lust, addiction and fame; as personally told by the all-time hit king... king ... king ?" Mr. Rose then asked before studying notes he had written on his napkin. "No, we're good," the father responded. "Are you sure? I could tell it and then sign a few autographs? I got some 8x10's and letters of authenticity in the trunk." Unable to enjoy his bacon-cheeseburger, the man took a deep breath and said, "While we appreciate the offer, I stopped collecting baseball memorabilia during my teen years and our children aren't really into sports." After attempts to stop him failed and the wait staff proved apathetic, the family exited the establishment with plates still half-full. Dallas Cowboys Draft Success Hinges on Length of Time Jerry Jones Avoided "Zoning Out" during Draft Combine Dallas - The 2010 NFL Draft must be fruitful if the Dallas Cowboys are to reach the Super Bowl for the first time since January of 1996. Their performance in April's draft largely hinges on the ratio of time owner/general manager Jerry Jones spent letting his mind wander versus the time he spent paying attention at the 2010 NFL Scouting Combine, Underneath Sports has learned. "Last year was rough," admitted Stephen Jones, Chief Operating Officer of the Cowboys and son of the aforementioned owner. "On one occasion we asked (Jerry Jones) specific details about a certain player, but instead of giving us an educated opinion regarding the youngster's quickness, my father informed us that, while unable to recollect how the player performed, he could tell us exactly how many starving children could be fed with the money we spent on parking pass holograms for the first pre-season game at Dallas Cowboys Stadium." Cowboy insiders already claim the senior Mr. Jones can't give specifics regarding the performance of any defensive lineman who appeared at the 2010 NFL Scouting Combine, but can recite backwards in numerical order Cowboy kick-returners who averaged more than 12-yards per return during his tenure as owner. Overtime Loss Drops Sabres to 3-1-2-2-1-3-1 Autumn Olive Named Official Aggressive Shrub of Major League Baseball Report: Lions Punt Returner to Spend Offseason Practicing Fair Catch in Front of Mirror CONTACT

Slugger Rounds Bases Trying to Think of Best Adjective to Describe Home Run

St. Petersburg, FL - After hitting a top of the second inning home run against the American League East leading Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz rounded the bases attempting to think of the one word that best described his ninth round-tripper of the year, Underneath Sports has learned. "Crafty" was the first word that came to mind after thinking exactly how close the ball came to crossing the wrong side of the foul pole. "No, it was more 'mysterious' than 'crafty' because, as it travelled through the air, no one could tell if it was fair or foul." The Dominican born slugger then wondered if there was an English word meaning, "something that spends most of its existence without revealing its true identity." "Incognito," he initially thought before deciding the ball's trajectory made the conclusion of its flight more "unknown" than "in disguise." He briefly considered, "enigma," but then realized it was a word more used to describe something difficult to comprehend. As he rounded third and slapped hands with base coach Tim Bogar, "Big Papi" finally decided the one word that best described his most recent home run was, "atypical".

Dennis Miller's Major League Baseball Power Rankings

1. Tampa Bay Rays - It's a shame that such a great team is forced to play in front of unappreciative fans in a run down stadium. Reminds me of the time I had my own show on CNBC. 2. New York Yankees - Alex Rodriguez continues his role of pathetical weasel on an otherwise great team - making A-Rod to the Yankees what Scott McClellan was to the Bush Administration. 3. Minnesota Twins - The Twins have been playing so well over the past few years that baseball will soon replace hockey as the official state sport - just as washed up lunatic entertainers have replaced normal people as elected officials representing the Land of 10,000 Lakes. 4. San Diego Padres - Prior to the Padres unexpected success in 2010; San Diego hasn't produced a squad with their head so adroitly on a swivel since the Channel 4 News Team fought off competing stations after heeding poor directional advice from weatherman Brick Tamland. 5. St. Louis Cardinals - The Cardinals have thrived with admitted steroid user Mark McGwire as their hitting coach. He may provoke scorn throughout most of America, but Big Mac is to St. Louis as Vytautas the Great was to Medieval Lithuania.

Wife of First Baseman Asks Husband what He and Base Runners Talk About

New York - Never having crossed her mind while watching her all-star husband play hundreds of baseball games, wife of Yankee first baseman Mark Teixeira suddenly had a burning desire to know the typical conversation he had with runners who arrived at the base to which he is assigned, Underneath Sports has learned. "Do you talk to everyone who stops on first and what do you talk about," Mrs. Teixeira asked her husband as soon as he walked through the front door after a win. Before he could answer, she rattled off every related question she had formulated while earlier watching the game on television. "Who initiates the conversation? And what if you don't know the guy very well? Do you actually say, 'nice to meet you,' if he's making his big league debut? Do you congratulate him on the hit if you're particularly impressed? Is there trash talk in baseball? Have you ever felt threatened and would you use your spikes as a weapon if it were in self-defense? Tell me something a base runner said that was so poetic it knocked your socks off? If they don't speak English, do you say 'hola' to make them feel welcome? Does the first base coach ever butt into your conversation even though you've made a conscious effort to exclude him? Is there a guy that's so funny you're desperately praying he gets a hit? Have you ever been paranoid that the only reason a guy tried to steal second was because he got tired of talking to you? When you're playing at Yankee Stadium do you feel pressure to 'entertain' the runner?" Mr. Teixeira promised to answer every question proposed by his wife after a quick bite to eat.

David Stern to Let Staffers Decide NBA Champion in Lieu of Birthday Parties

New York - Due to the lagging economy, NBA Commissioner David Stern has put an end to lavish company-sponsored birthday celebrations once thrown for all employees. To make up for abolishing the popular perk, Mr. Stern today secretly announced that he will allow employees of the association to decide which squad will take home the championship trophy at the conclusion of the 2010 playoffs, Underneath Sports has learned. "It's difficult removing long-established office precedents," Mr. Stern admitted. "Therefore I had to create a reward that would restore their commitment to the NBA, yet not drain league resources." Mr. Stern added that, after 20-plus years of singlehandedly deciding the champion, it was time to pass the torch. "I've had a great run. Some years I picked the winner by throwing darts at a newspaper, some years I picked the winner out of spite, and some years I picked the winner based on the number of television viewers contained within the city limits of all playoff contenders. Whatever the method, I gave it my all each and every season." NBA staffers were thrilled at the prospect of choosing the best team in the NBA. "It's so much pressure - but the good kind of pressure," said Stern executive assistant Dawn Vitters. "Do I vote for the Lakers because I think the girl Kobe Bryant was accused of assaulting most likely asked for it, or do I vote for the Celtics because my scummy ex-boyfriend is a humungous Cavaliers fan and would be absolutely devastated if they didn't even make the Finals in what could possibly be the last year of the Lebron James era in C-Town."

Olympic Champion Not Particularly Looking Forward to Remainder of Life

Duluth, MN - Because Olympic gold medal winning skier Michael Weber has experienced the highest of highs on a stage visible to the entire world, he's not the least bit excited about living out the remainder of what will almost assuredly be dreadfully mundane days on a stage visible to his family, friends and strangers who are ignorant of his grand accomplishments, Underneath Sports has learned. "I've done everything I can in relations to skiing and I'm only 25," Mr. Weber said. "What's next - getting a desk job? Even if I wanted to work for a business I wouldn't know how to contribute because I've devoted so much time to skiing. I suppose I could teach rich kids how to ski down the bunny slope. Doesn't that sound like fun? It'd be like Alex Rodriguez making sure a bunch of Rockefeller brats knew the proper direction in which to run once they hit the baseball and then calling it a day." Mr. Weber says only a few Olympians can parlay their legend into a post-Olympic career. "For every Michael Phelps there are a thousand guys like me," he said. "Years later, you'll still see clips of Mr. Phelps' record setting races on television while my own family is already making faces whenever the subject of re-watching my gold medal winning performance is mentioned. It's already off Grandma's DVR despite the fact that she had no need for the extra space."

Sports: End of Basketball Game Marred by Lack of Timeouts

Katy, TX - A Southland Conference Tournament semifinal basketball game between Stephen F. Austin State University and Texas A&M University - Corpus Christi was tainted due to both teams refusal to call timeouts during crucial periods down the stretch, Underneath Sports has learned. "Just when the game got good, they would keep playing," said SFA fan Stephen Izzo. "Witnessing nonstop action got old real quick and I just couldn't wait to catch my breath. Hopefully the next game I attend will provide many more two-minute breaks at which point I'll have the chance to peruse the cover of my official game program, pat the seat of my pants to make sure my pocket hasn't been picked, inform the guy next to me, 'it doesn't get any better than this,' check to make sure I'm in the correct seat for the fiftieth time, contemplate whether or not I want to spend the rest of the game standing, sitting, or a combination of the two, glance at the cheerleaders to see if one of them happens to be expressing an interest in my scene, and prepare an exit strategy for the conclusion of the game." Mr. Izzo's friend, home watching the game on the internet, didn't fare any better. "I called him on my way home," Mr. Izzo said. "Though he was eager to complete both tasks, during the last few minutes of the game he didn't once have a window of opportunity to make sure his keys were safely in the key-drawer or check to see if that Applebee's coupon he received in the mail last month had expired." Both coaches refused comment after the game.

Pete Rose Refuses to Stop Admitting He Bet on Baseball

Cincinnati - For years Pete Rose adamantly denied that he ever wagered on baseball games involving the same Major League team for which he managed and played. That was then, Underneath Sports has learned. "I would like to take this opportunity to admit with deep regret that I did bet on games in which I was directly involved," he recently informed a family of four sitting in an adjacent booth at a popular Cincinnati eatery. "Yeah, we know," the patriarch responded as his daughter latched her hand onto his knee in fear. Using his own voice to provide an echo in order to give the illusion he was speaking in front of a large group, Mr. Rose continued, "I suppose you are clamoring to hear this sad tale of greed, power, lust, addiction and fame; as personally told by the all-time hit king... king ... king ?" Mr. Rose then asked before studying notes he had written on his napkin. "No, we're good," the father responded. "Are you sure? I could tell it and then sign a few autographs? I got some 8x10's and letters of authenticity in the trunk." Unable to enjoy his bacon-cheeseburger, the man took a deep breath and said, "While we appreciate the offer, I stopped collecting baseball memorabilia during my teen years and our children aren't really into sports." After attempts to stop him failed and the wait staff proved apathetic, the family exited the establishment with plates still half-full.

Dallas Cowboys Draft Success Hinges on Length of Time Jerry Jones Avoided "Zoning Out" during Draft Combine

Dallas - The 2010 NFL Draft must be fruitful if the Dallas Cowboys are to reach the Super Bowl for the first time since January of 1996. Their performance in April's draft largely hinges on the ratio of time owner/general manager Jerry Jones spent letting his mind wander versus the time he spent paying attention at the 2010 NFL Scouting Combine, Underneath Sports has learned. "Last year was rough," admitted Stephen Jones, Chief Operating Officer of the Cowboys and son of the aforementioned owner. "On one occasion we asked (Jerry Jones) specific details about a certain player, but instead of giving us an educated opinion regarding the youngster's quickness, my father informed us that, while unable to recollect how the player performed, he could tell us exactly how many starving children could be fed with the money we spent on parking pass holograms for the first pre-season game at Dallas Cowboys Stadium." Cowboy insiders already claim the senior Mr. Jones can't give specifics regarding the performance of any defensive lineman who appeared at the 2010 NFL Scouting Combine, but can recite backwards in numerical order Cowboy kick-returners who averaged more than 12-yards per return during his tenure as owner.

Overtime Loss Drops Sabres to 3-1-2-2-1-3-1

Autumn Olive Named Official Aggressive Shrub of Major League Baseball

Report: Lions Punt Returner to Spend Offseason Practicing Fair Catch in Front of Mirror

CONTACT