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Official White House Website to Provide Dictionary Link to Every Word Washington - For the express purpose of assisting constituents unfamiliar with political jargon, the White House today announced they would link every word on their official website to a non-partisan online dictionary, Underneath Politics has learned. "The GOP constantly accuses Democrats of attempting to keep the masses ignorant," interim White House Chief of Staff Pete Rouse said. "Nothing could be further from the truth. We're so committed to having an informed electorate we don't simply say, 'go to our website and read the words,' we say, 'go to our website and read the words and then learn what the words mean.' No other administration in the history of the United States has taken such drastic steps to make certain the general public is cognizant of their message." Outgoing White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs echoed the statements of Mr. Rouse. "During the campaign we promised transparency and two short years later we're delivering in spades. By providing links to definitions, we'll no longer have the ability to write over the heads of our base. We'll write with knowledge that our words can easily be deciphered by mere commoners." Mr. Gibbs added there was another perk not lost on officials of the Obama Administration. "Going forward, members of the Democratic Party can visit whitehouse.gov if they're the least bit uncertain what the definition of is is," he quipped. Worrying He Forgot Her Birthday, Former President Bush Wikipedias Wife Washington - Worried he was no longer in her good graces, former President George W. Bush checked out his wife's profile on the popular internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia.org, to make sure he hadn't missed her birthday, Underneath Politics has learned. "I was certainly in panic mode," President Bush said today from his upscale Dallas home. "For some reason I thought (her birthday) was last Tuesday, but Wikipedia informed me it was November 4th. I suppose, with the upcoming release of my book, as well as the Texas Rangers having just lost the World Series, I was distracted at the time because I don't recall eating cake or having the twins over for even a casual dinner." While viewing his wife's full profile, President Bush also learned that she went to Southern Methodist University, was baptized in the same church in which they were married, and was influential in his decision to stop drinking alcohol. Mr. Bush promises to check back often for updates. "Wikipedia is a godsend. The site not only reminds me of the exact date on which I married Laura, but also the type of gift tradition dictates I bestow upon her every year on which that specific date rolls around. And the next time Jenna brings that husband of hers over, I can run to my office, look her up on Wikipedia and be confident I'm spending the entire afternoon calling him by the correct first name, because, as much as I love nicknames, people find it creepy when I call him, 'Altar Boy', you know, because he exchanged vows with my daughter at the altar." Mr. Obama is Clinton; No He's Uber-Clinton By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV As we approach the 2012 Presidential Campaign, I have a strong feeling Mr. Obama and his minions are sitting around a large mahogany table dreaming up lies they'll soon feed American citizens who, "just don't have the time to follow politics." Because he promised the moon and stars, everyone assumed he was going to do exactly what they wanted him to do: close Gitmo, stop drone attacks, issue an executive order legalizing gay marriage throughout the United States, and get the troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan completely. Let's say your first priority in 2008 was voting for a man who would close the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay. Candidate Obama said, "I will bring hope and change this country so desperately needs," which made you think an "out of business" sign was on its way to Cuba. Because Mr. Obama failed so many of you, who somehow believed a political philosophy unbreakably connected you, what can he now say to convince you 2013-2017 will be the four years during which your political dreams finally come true? Full Story>>> Glenn Beck: Fighting for Your Right to Follow His Religion By Sarah Laimbeer I enjoy debating others about religion and the existence of god. At a pub, just place an ice-cold beer in front of me, an open-minded Christian on the bar stool beside me and watch the light-hearted sparks fly! At the end of the evening, two things will be certain: I'll have made a new friend and will be in desperate need of a taxi-cab! Since he's not open-minded, I suppose it goes without saying, but, were Glenn Beck the Christian on the bar stool beside me, at the end of the evening two things will be certain: I'll have a new enemy and will be in desperate need of an adroit defense attorney! Of course I'm kidding about the lawyer. I've never said to anyone, "You're not an atheist!? You actually believe in a deity!? Well then, your mind is obviously warped and I harshly judge you." Because the Bible instructs everyone to discriminate against the sinless, if I were speaking to a Christian, such judgment would be largely justified. Full Story>>> For Obama, Being President Relieves Stress of Playing Basketball Washington - Though fresh from a luxurious Hawaiian vacation, President Barack Obama couldn't seem to relax the first time he laced up his sneakers in 2011 shortly before taking part in a much anticipated hoops game with friends and underlings, Underneath Politics has learned. "I felt stiff before and after warm-ups," Mr. Obama admitted. "My team entered the holiday season losing three in a row and I was desperate to start off the new year a winner." Because of basketball related pressure, Mr. Obama uses his time in the Oval Office to relax and unwind. "Since America has done so much winning, leading to an uneven playing field, losses by the country I was elected to lead actually assist in the promotion of global equality. When victory is an undesired result, almost no stress is felt. I'm like a four-year-old soccer player in a league that doesn't allow scorekeeping." During meetings with high-level cabinet officials, The Commander in Chief admits he often can't stop thinking about the next basketball game. "I try to relax and enjoy listening to Kathleen (Sebelius) describe annoying habits of the first individual she's anxious to 'deal with' after the implementation of death panels, but usually can't stop mentally drafting strategies to keep the opposing big man out of the paint while not leaving their 2-guard open to drain the rock from way downtown. These are the dilemmas that keep me up at night. Oh, and Iran. Whatever they've got going on over there regarding the problems we've been having with them also deters shut-eye," he added. Nancy Pelosi Regrets Failure to Organize Telling Tour San Francisco - Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi has but a single regret during her time as House leader: not traveling around the country giving citizens specific details regarding future policies headed their way, Underneath Politics has learned. "A lot of my colleagues conducted town hall meetings for the express purpose of listening to the hopes, dreams and fears of their constituents. The problem is that their constituents weren't elected, we were. So instead of listening to the masses, I should have made the masses listen to me and my Democratic colleagues." Ms. Pelosi says too many cooks in the kitchen only leads to chaos. "When you attend church, the pastor doesn't listen to everyone's opinion on which actions are sinless. He tells the flock what god deems abhorrent behavior and the flock must follow. Nations currently on the upswing have leaders who tell people how it's going to be. Venezuela and Iran are two perfect examples. Do you think Hugo Chavez goes around Caracas asking citizens to, 'help me help you'? No, he aggressively informs citizens that it's his way or the highway. And you know what; I bet not one Venezuelan has ever uttered a word of complaint." Ms. Pelosi blames the lack of a telling tour for the Republican takeover of the House. "You say you'll listen to people and they naturally think you're actually processing their words, which causes them to return home with sky-high expectations. You tell people what policies you'll be implementing and they go home complacent. People with high expectations vote you out of office. Complacent people only read the sports page." Lies About Gitmo By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV Those on the left adamantly argue that the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay is so deplorable that any caring person would feel an overwhelming desire to comfort Adolf Hitler had the Nazi leader been forced to spend more than fifteen minutes taking abuse within its walls. In reality, Gitmo is a very nice prison in which to reside if you've been apprehended attempting to kill innocent women and children. But we're supposed to close Gitmo because terrorists are ignorant of the fact that the place would easily receive 5-stars if there were a Zagat guide for prisons? "If you're addicted to prayer, this prison is for you!" Locked in your bedroom, let's pretend your wife gives you a massage for one hour each night. The neighbors begin to wonder what exactly you're doing in there from 7-8 PM, and, because one busybody swears he or she saw a fishy shadow through the window shade, spread rumors your wife is horrifically abusing you. You attempt to tell them that the hour is strictly dedicated to massage, but the lies fail to cease. "Sorry," your wife informs you. Full Story>>> Oldies but Goodies By Sarah Laimbeer Recently a Catholic Priest responded, after being confronted with the argument that, because god demanded so many brutal punishments be carried out against innocent individuals, the Bible is difficult to believe, "That's the oldest argument in the book!" Really? Well founded arguments have a statute of limitations? Is this phenomenon limited to arguments, or does it apply to warnings as well? "Don't stick your hand in the fire." "Seriously! That's got to be the oldest warning in the book! The so-called 'experts' have been telling people to keep a safe distance since fire was first discovered! Now if you'll excuse me, my marshmallow fell off its stick and retrieval is required before it melts completely and I'm left with an incomplete S'more." I don't understand why people of all religions continue to argue. Just stick your hands in the air and admit, "My beliefs are strictly based on faith." Full Story>>> Obama Gives Russia Enough National Security Secrets to Make It Interesting Washington - Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev applauded US President Barack Obama for giving the Russians enough national security secrets to keep citizens of the United States in constant fear, yet failing to divulge adequate details to guarantee the crushing defeat of their homeland, Underneath Politics has learned. "We can do little damage with secrets Mr. Obama tell us. It minor threat to American security, but big gesture of symbolism," Mr. Medvedev said during a recent news conference. Instead of sitting idly by while nefarious strangers release classified documents to the general public, President Obama said it was time his country personally hand over sensitive information to allies who could turn around and use it against the United States were relations between the superpowers to turn sour. "Gone are the days we unilaterally deem which documents are 'secret,'" Mr. Obama said, quickly adding that handing over meaningless intelligence would not give the world faith America has transformed into a nation that puts a premium on global unity. "We wouldn't be good worldly partners unless we gave the Russians classified information that caused members of my staff to ask, as we flew home on Air Force One, 'Are you sure that was a good idea, Mr. President,' 'Are you sure that was a good idea, Mr. President' are the ten words that let me know I'm doing my job." Mr. Obama said the handing over of secrets would undoubtedly lead to a few sleepless nights for himself, as well as his 300-million minions. "It's exciting having enough trust in someone that you feel comfortable sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, while at the same time retaining enough doubt that your hair stands on end when thinking about the horrific atrocities that could result from your miscalculation." Citizens Make Obama Family Feel Obligated to Remain in America for Holidays Washington - Despite throwing out multiple hints, such as, "Google Images suggest the holiday lights in Paris are breathtaking," and "I bet the kids would love to wish the Queen a Merry Christmas in person," President Barack Obama reluctantly informed the First Lady that, because its citizens had elected him President, he felt obligated to remain in the United States throughout the New Year, but promised they could spend the holidays in Hawaii, which he indicated, 'was the next best thing to getting as far away as possible," Underneath Politics has learned. "After hurling multiple brochures promoting magical winter vacation destinations in the fire during a fit of rage, I calmed down and realized my husband was right," Mrs. Obama told Barbara Walters in an exclusive interview scheduled to air Christmas Eve. "There are a lot of perks that accompany living in the White House, but my life can't all be wine and roses. To put it in a way the layperson can understand: instead of sitting inside your house watching your friends frolic in the sun, every once in a while you need to turn around and somehow find beauty in the objects trapped alongside you." Siding with Celebrities By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV What decisions in life would you trust with a celebrity? Without hesitation, would you allow them to decide the best way to raise your child? Or would you tend to shun their parental advice? Celebrities enjoy getting drunk. Celebrities enjoy exposing their crotches. Celebrities enjoy letting their nipples slip with the express purpose of increasing ticket sales the night their movie premiers on both coasts. Because they view him as an artistic genius, most celebrities think it abhorrent that authorities wish to punish Roman Polanski for sexually assaulting a child. It's a good thing for children everywhere that most molesters are jailed for their crimes, regardless of the aptitude they've shown for performing vocational related duties. I've never seen footage of Martin Scorsese pleading for the release of his world renowned gardener who moonlights as a pedophile. "Had you seen the likeness of me he carved into our shrubs you too would fight for his right to molest anyone that catches his fancy," the acclaimed director has never said while pounding his fist on a podium at the Beverly Hilton. Full Story>>> Sasha Obama's Inability to Master Foxtrot Ironically Holding Schoolmates Back in Their Attempt to Praise Her Father with Song and Dance Routine Steve Smith of Panthers Announced as Surprise Starter to All-Name Team; Steve Smith of Giants Fails to Garner Single Vote Report: First Mom from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Runs into Second Mom from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air at Supermarket Twice in Less Than Week CONTACT

Official White House Website to Provide Dictionary Link to Every Word

Washington - For the express purpose of assisting constituents unfamiliar with political jargon, the White House today announced they would link every word on their official website to a non-partisan online dictionary, Underneath Politics has learned. "The GOP constantly accuses Democrats of attempting to keep the masses ignorant," interim White House Chief of Staff Pete Rouse said. "Nothing could be further from the truth. We're so committed to having an informed electorate we don't simply say, 'go to our website and read the words,' we say, 'go to our website and read the words and then learn what the words mean.' No other administration in the history of the United States has taken such drastic steps to make certain the general public is cognizant of their message." Outgoing White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs echoed the statements of Mr. Rouse. "During the campaign we promised transparency and two short years later we're delivering in spades. By providing links to definitions, we'll no longer have the ability to write over the heads of our base. We'll write with knowledge that our words can easily be deciphered by mere commoners." Mr. Gibbs added there was another perk not lost on officials of the Obama Administration. "Going forward, members of the Democratic Party can visit whitehouse.gov if they're the least bit uncertain what the definition of is is," he quipped.

Worrying He Forgot Her Birthday, Former President Bush Wikipedias Wife

Washington - Worried he was no longer in her good graces, former President George W. Bush checked out his wife's profile on the popular internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia.org, to make sure he hadn't missed her birthday, Underneath Politics has learned. "I was certainly in panic mode," President Bush said today from his upscale Dallas home. "For some reason I thought (her birthday) was last Tuesday, but Wikipedia informed me it was November 4th. I suppose, with the upcoming release of my book, as well as the Texas Rangers having just lost the World Series, I was distracted at the time because I don't recall eating cake or having the twins over for even a casual dinner." While viewing his wife's full profile, President Bush also learned that she went to Southern Methodist University, was baptized in the same church in which they were married, and was influential in his decision to stop drinking alcohol. Mr. Bush promises to check back often for updates. "Wikipedia is a godsend. The site not only reminds me of the exact date on which I married Laura, but also the type of gift tradition dictates I bestow upon her every year on which that specific date rolls around. And the next time Jenna brings that husband of hers over, I can run to my office, look her up on Wikipedia and be confident I'm spending the entire afternoon calling him by the correct first name, because, as much as I love nicknames, people find it creepy when I call him, 'Altar Boy', you know, because he exchanged vows with my daughter at the altar."

Mr. Obama is Clinton; No He's Uber-Clinton By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV

As we approach the 2012 Presidential Campaign, I have a strong feeling Mr. Obama and his minions are sitting around a large mahogany table dreaming up lies they'll soon feed American citizens who, "just don't have the time to follow politics." Because he promised the moon and stars, everyone assumed he was going to do exactly what they wanted him to do: close Gitmo, stop drone attacks, issue an executive order legalizing gay marriage throughout the United States, and get the troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan completely. Let's say your first priority in 2008 was voting for a man who would close the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay. Candidate Obama said, "I will bring hope and change this country so desperately needs," which made you think an "out of business" sign was on its way to Cuba. Because Mr. Obama failed so many of you, who somehow believed a political philosophy unbreakably connected you, what can he now say to convince you 2013-2017 will be the four years during which your political dreams finally come true? Full Story>>>

Glenn Beck: Fighting for Your Right to Follow His Religion By Sarah Laimbeer

I enjoy debating others about religion and the existence of god. At a pub, just place an ice-cold beer in front of me, an open-minded Christian on the bar stool beside me and watch the light-hearted sparks fly! At the end of the evening, two things will be certain: I'll have made a new friend and will be in desperate need of a taxi-cab! Since he's not open-minded, I suppose it goes without saying, but, were Glenn Beck the Christian on the bar stool beside me, at the end of the evening two things will be certain: I'll have a new enemy and will be in desperate need of an adroit defense attorney! Of course I'm kidding about the lawyer. I've never said to anyone, "You're not an atheist!? You actually believe in a deity!? Well then, your mind is obviously warped and I harshly judge you." Because the Bible instructs everyone to discriminate against the sinless, if I were speaking to a Christian, such judgment would be largely justified. Full Story>>>

For Obama, Being President Relieves Stress of Playing Basketball

Washington - Though fresh from a luxurious Hawaiian vacation, President Barack Obama couldn't seem to relax the first time he laced up his sneakers in 2011 shortly before taking part in a much anticipated hoops game with friends and underlings, Underneath Politics has learned. "I felt stiff before and after warm-ups," Mr. Obama admitted. "My team entered the holiday season losing three in a row and I was desperate to start off the new year a winner." Because of basketball related pressure, Mr. Obama uses his time in the Oval Office to relax and unwind. "Since America has done so much winning, leading to an uneven playing field, losses by the country I was elected to lead actually assist in the promotion of global equality. When victory is an undesired result, almost no stress is felt. I'm like a four-year-old soccer player in a league that doesn't allow scorekeeping." During meetings with high-level cabinet officials, The Commander in Chief admits he often can't stop thinking about the next basketball game. "I try to relax and enjoy listening to Kathleen (Sebelius) describe annoying habits of the first individual she's anxious to 'deal with' after the implementation of death panels, but usually can't stop mentally drafting strategies to keep the opposing big man out of the paint while not leaving their 2-guard open to drain the rock from way downtown. These are the dilemmas that keep me up at night. Oh, and Iran. Whatever they've got going on over there regarding the problems we've been having with them also deters shut-eye," he added.

Nancy Pelosi Regrets Failure to Organize Telling Tour

San Francisco - Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi has but a single regret during her time as House leader: not traveling around the country giving citizens specific details regarding future policies headed their way, Underneath Politics has learned. "A lot of my colleagues conducted town hall meetings for the express purpose of listening to the hopes, dreams and fears of their constituents. The problem is that their constituents weren't elected, we were. So instead of listening to the masses, I should have made the masses listen to me and my Democratic colleagues." Ms. Pelosi says too many cooks in the kitchen only leads to chaos. "When you attend church, the pastor doesn't listen to everyone's opinion on which actions are sinless. He tells the flock what god deems abhorrent behavior and the flock must follow. Nations currently on the upswing have leaders who tell people how it's going to be. Venezuela and Iran are two perfect examples. Do you think Hugo Chavez goes around Caracas asking citizens to, 'help me help you'? No, he aggressively informs citizens that it's his way or the highway. And you know what; I bet not one Venezuelan has ever uttered a word of complaint." Ms. Pelosi blames the lack of a telling tour for the Republican takeover of the House. "You say you'll listen to people and they naturally think you're actually processing their words, which causes them to return home with sky-high expectations. You tell people what policies you'll be implementing and they go home complacent. People with high expectations vote you out of office. Complacent people only read the sports page."

Lies About Gitmo By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV

Those on the left adamantly argue that the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay is so deplorable that any caring person would feel an overwhelming desire to comfort Adolf Hitler had the Nazi leader been forced to spend more than fifteen minutes taking abuse within its walls. In reality, Gitmo is a very nice prison in which to reside if you've been apprehended attempting to kill innocent women and children. But we're supposed to close Gitmo because terrorists are ignorant of the fact that the place would easily receive 5-stars if there were a Zagat guide for prisons? "If you're addicted to prayer, this prison is for you!" Locked in your bedroom, let's pretend your wife gives you a massage for one hour each night. The neighbors begin to wonder what exactly you're doing in there from 7-8 PM, and, because one busybody swears he or she saw a fishy shadow through the window shade, spread rumors your wife is horrifically abusing you. You attempt to tell them that the hour is strictly dedicated to massage, but the lies fail to cease. "Sorry," your wife informs you. Full Story>>>

Oldies but Goodies By Sarah Laimbeer

Recently a Catholic Priest responded, after being confronted with the argument that, because god demanded so many brutal punishments be carried out against innocent individuals, the Bible is difficult to believe, "That's the oldest argument in the book!" Really? Well founded arguments have a statute of limitations? Is this phenomenon limited to arguments, or does it apply to warnings as well? "Don't stick your hand in the fire." "Seriously! That's got to be the oldest warning in the book! The so-called 'experts' have been telling people to keep a safe distance since fire was first discovered! Now if you'll excuse me, my marshmallow fell off its stick and retrieval is required before it melts completely and I'm left with an incomplete S'more." I don't understand why people of all religions continue to argue. Just stick your hands in the air and admit, "My beliefs are strictly based on faith." Full Story>>>

Obama Gives Russia Enough National Security Secrets to Make It Interesting

Washington - Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev applauded US President Barack Obama for giving the Russians enough national security secrets to keep citizens of the United States in constant fear, yet failing to divulge adequate details to guarantee the crushing defeat of their homeland, Underneath Politics has learned. "We can do little damage with secrets Mr. Obama tell us. It minor threat to American security, but big gesture of symbolism," Mr. Medvedev said during a recent news conference. Instead of sitting idly by while nefarious strangers release classified documents to the general public, President Obama said it was time his country personally hand over sensitive information to allies who could turn around and use it against the United States were relations between the superpowers to turn sour. "Gone are the days we unilaterally deem which documents are 'secret,'" Mr. Obama said, quickly adding that handing over meaningless intelligence would not give the world faith America has transformed into a nation that puts a premium on global unity. "We wouldn't be good worldly partners unless we gave the Russians classified information that caused members of my staff to ask, as we flew home on Air Force One, 'Are you sure that was a good idea, Mr. President,' 'Are you sure that was a good idea, Mr. President' are the ten words that let me know I'm doing my job." Mr. Obama said the handing over of secrets would undoubtedly lead to a few sleepless nights for himself, as well as his 300-million minions. "It's exciting having enough trust in someone that you feel comfortable sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, while at the same time retaining enough doubt that your hair stands on end when thinking about the horrific atrocities that could result from your miscalculation."

Citizens Make Obama Family Feel Obligated to Remain in America for Holidays

Washington - Despite throwing out multiple hints, such as, "Google Images suggest the holiday lights in Paris are breathtaking," and "I bet the kids would love to wish the Queen a Merry Christmas in person," President Barack Obama reluctantly informed the First Lady that, because its citizens had elected him President, he felt obligated to remain in the United States throughout the New Year, but promised they could spend the holidays in Hawaii, which he indicated, 'was the next best thing to getting as far away as possible," Underneath Politics has learned. "After hurling multiple brochures promoting magical winter vacation destinations in the fire during a fit of rage, I calmed down and realized my husband was right," Mrs. Obama told Barbara Walters in an exclusive interview scheduled to air Christmas Eve. "There are a lot of perks that accompany living in the White House, but my life can't all be wine and roses. To put it in a way the layperson can understand: instead of sitting inside your house watching your friends frolic in the sun, every once in a while you need to turn around and somehow find beauty in the objects trapped alongside you."

Siding with Celebrities By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV

What decisions in life would you trust with a celebrity? Without hesitation, would you allow them to decide the best way to raise your child? Or would you tend to shun their parental advice? Celebrities enjoy getting drunk. Celebrities enjoy exposing their crotches. Celebrities enjoy letting their nipples slip with the express purpose of increasing ticket sales the night their movie premiers on both coasts. Because they view him as an artistic genius, most celebrities think it abhorrent that authorities wish to punish Roman Polanski for sexually assaulting a child. It's a good thing for children everywhere that most molesters are jailed for their crimes, regardless of the aptitude they've shown for performing vocational related duties. I've never seen footage of Martin Scorsese pleading for the release of his world renowned gardener who moonlights as a pedophile. "Had you seen the likeness of me he carved into our shrubs you too would fight for his right to molest anyone that catches his fancy," the acclaimed director has never said while pounding his fist on a podium at the Beverly Hilton. Full Story>>>

Sasha Obama's Inability to Master Foxtrot Ironically Holding Schoolmates Back in Their Attempt to Praise Her Father with Song and Dance Routine

Steve Smith of Panthers Announced as Surprise Starter to All-Name Team; Steve Smith of Giants Fails to Garner Single Vote

Report: First Mom from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Runs into Second Mom from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air at Supermarket Twice in Less Than Week

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